canada africa partner reservation My girlfriend is planning five out-of-state summer vacations for us, and it feels like a lot

My girlfriend is planning five out-of-state summer vacations for us, and it feels like a lot

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May 5 – Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m in a tough situation with my girl. She already has five trips planned from Alaska this summer and she is determined to take me along. We’re talking three weddings, a big family gathering with all her siblings and their significant others — which is apparently a one-time deal — and the annual music bash with her college staff and high school friends. I understand why she feels pressure to show her face everywhere, and certainly why she wants me there. But man, it’s a logistical nightmare and a waste of money, not to mention all the vacation days I would have to burn. Plus, I’m not exactly thrilled about leaving our Alaskan summer vibe behind as she flies away.

We’re both approaching 30 and have been going strong for almost two years now. We want to move in together next fall. We’re pretty much on the same page about everything: future, family, everything. Alaska has been our home base since we moved after college and eventually met, and we are both very happy here.

This whole summer ordeal is our first real ‘drama’, and I’m not the only one feeling the heat. I know she is stressed and feeling pressure, but she keeps talking about the need to respond, buy tickets and make reservations. I understand that, but I feel cornered. I have suggested that we prioritize these trips, pick a few for her and us both to attend, and figure it out together, but she is adamant that they are all crucial, while at the same time pushing forces me to to make the choices. . It feels like a fall.

I want to be supportive and present, but I’m frustrated. How can I support her while maintaining boundaries and showing her my reality?

Wanda says:

It’s admirable that you’re trying to be a responsive partner, so let me state the obvious: missing one or more of these outings doesn’t make you a bad boyfriend. The lowest estimate would require you to be out of Alaska for at least fifteen days for five trips, and that’s if you left on Friday and returned on Sunday, or something like that. More realistically, you are expected to be away for a cumulative number of weeks. That’s practically a third of the summer. And if it’s anything like the past summers and all the miserable rain we’ve had, you might end up missing the best days.

I’m not telling you anything you and your girlfriend don’t know: Alaskan summers are amazing. It’s the absolute worst time to leave. That’s why we brave winter – to play in the late sun. Five trips is simply too big an ask. I’m sure even she knows this and hopes that your devotion to her will win. But this is a perfect example of where compromise is appropriate, and where both partners in the relationship must agree and respect that compromise.

In your case, let’s take a look at the list. Three weddings? That’s two too many. Choose the one where you have the closest bond with the bride and groom. Not near any of them? Then choose the one closest to your girlfriend by default. The family reunion? Skip it. If it really is a rarity, everyone will have their hands full trying to make a meaningful reconnection amid the crowded chaos; your presence simply adds no value. Make sure your girlfriend recently took some selfies with her phone so she can show them to all her aunts. Finally the music festival? To go! This is the only thing on the list that sounds like a real vacation. Present this plan to your partner, explain the thought process, and promise that if the tables are turned in the future, you will remember to be lenient in requesting her participation.

Wayne says:

After last week’s dramatic NFL Draft, I feel compelled to reconsider your selections, Wanda. Although you made some good choices and wisely advised him that pulling back on a few opportunities would strengthen his front office synergy (mental health and relationship stability) and salary cap (financial health), I have to give your collective selections a C because you most important choice: the family meeting is a total failure.

If our letter writer sees a future with this woman, that also means a future with her family. And if he’s the only partner not attending this rare get-together, a pretty loud and not-so-cool message (or messages) is sent. The family will talk to her, and behind her back. And she’ll have to answer to him, which is exhausting and embarrassing. “He’s out for a walk” or “He’s hanging out in the backyard drinking beer with his friends under the midnight sun,” which doesn’t exactly get you a free pass or points for the family.

But yes, you have to make compromises and sacrifices. And yes, you have to be the good boyfriend. I therefore suggest that you attend three events, in this order: 1. The family gathering (reasons stated above); 2. The most important wedding with your girlfriend (obvious reasons); and 3. The Friends Festival – the biggest bang for your buck if you want to empower yourself with the people they care about (and if you’re going to miss the summer sun in Alaska, the summer sun and fun at a humid outdoor festival is a great trade-off) .

And yes, remember that she is stressed and feels pressure too. When you tell your girlfriend about your Top 3 picks, try to also remind her that life is long and that you have big plans too. And that it’s not the end of the world if she attends one wedding with friends and skips one wedding to reset herself from basking in the Alaskan summer and have some quality time with you while she plans your big move. If she has a sense of humor, tell her that statistically, one of the marriages will probably end in divorce anyway. Send the losing choice a nice gift and invite them to Alaska to stay with you at the end of their honeymoon. Now you go from a no-win to a win-win. Have fun!

(Ask Amy: My girlfriend got drunk at a party and revealed very personal information about me. What should I do?)

(Ask Amy: My boyfriend is a great guy and we were talking about marriage. Then I found out he is almost $20,000 in debt.)

(Wayne and Wanda: Why am I jealous of my boyfriend’s close friendship with another woman?)